Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"

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Harold called his son in New York and said, "Richard, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce mother just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mother? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Christmas. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after new years. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half-hour later, Harold receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets, and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Richard told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Harold promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Harold turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do to get them to come down next year?”

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A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Clarence, I just heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Clarence, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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Janie had just become a widow and needed to put an obituary in the paper about her late husband, Bubba. She called the newspaper and asked, "How much does it cost to put an obituary in the paper?"
"The cost is $0.50 per word," said the newspaper editor.
Janie said, "Fine, please print: 'Bubba died'."
The startled newspaper editor explained that there was a seven word minimum charge. Janie thought for a moment, then said, "Okay, then, please print: 'Bubba died. 1983 pickup truck for sale'."

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A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments:
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"

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A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope, addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings - $200 have been stolen. She will be cold and hungry this Easter without divine intervention.
He organizes the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it:
"Dear God, Thank you for the $180 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise.
P.S. It was $20 short but that was probably those thieving workers at the Post Office."

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Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... Would you please tell me your name again, dear?"
There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know?"

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